This Beautiful Mess

im as eloquent, as an elephant
but as headstrong as the mighty king kong
on a rampage, throwing airplanes
i cant believe you haven’t gone away…

i am difficult, argumentative
im as thick skulled as the dinosaur bones
on a display, in a glass cage
i cant believe you haven’t gone away…

"eloquent"
sanctus real

I am eloquent... In a pathetic and arrogant way, that is...

In short, I am flawed… We all are. Only some people are more flawed than others. Humanity tainted by sin. Soaring in pride. Influenced by lust. Caged in envy and hatred. Bound by resentment. And all other possible human indulgences. Engulfed by fear. And pessimism. And lack of faith. I’ve been thru dark places myself. Thru dark alleys and byways. I have tasted poison and carnal potion. I have been a total mess…

I have spent my life in resentment. Resented how life can be chaotic and messy and difficult. Resented every bad decision I made. Resenting why the things that I want to do, those I don’t do. And the things that I ought to do, those I don’t do. Resenting the irony of it all.

Keep asking myself and my Creator, “What if…?” What if I pursued a different path? Would life be so much different? Easier? Happier? Betterer? ^^

All these questionings… All these quests… All these struggle. Will I ever find answers? Why would Yahweh, in his infinite wisdom lead me to a task that he knew for sure that I would screw up? Or am I even called to be here in the fist place? Maybe this, all of this, is just a product of my own delusion… If it was, could I ever go back? Could we have the chance to make things right? And if we could, where do we begin? When time has so passed us by already?

But in the midst of these mess and brokenness there is redemption. There is a light that sheds a canopy of colors. Light so bright it gives you hope. Hope to believe that at the end of a dark night there is a silver lining about to burst.

Like a tapestry still unfinished. Made by the Master’s own hands. There are flaws and imperfections. Yet beautifully and wonderfully made. Like Jacob who lied and deceived and wrestled with the Almighty… Is it even appropriate to reason and wrestle with our Maker? Yet Isaiah heard him say “Come now and let us reason together… Though your sins be like a scarlet, they can be as white as snow…”

Like jars of clay... still in the process of perfection. Messy. Dirty. Dirt, dirt everywhere. But when they get finished, they become beautiful masterpieces. Sold in specialty stores only the rich and the richer can afford.

So we know there is hope. Then you know that God is simply not finished with us yet… and even if we wont find the answers to some of our nagging questions anytime soon, it’s enough to know that we’ll get there someday. This mess we’re in. What we do with it can turn beautiful. What God can do with it can turn to something glorious. So cheers…

The Game

Oh my God here I go again
Jumping off this platform to another end
Oh my God, see me going deep
Wont you take these millstones from around my feet
And it's a tragedy, this state I'm in

Why'd you choose me when you knew I wasn't tough enough
Why'd you send me when you knew I would run
Why'd you put me into places that I didn't want
Why'd you call me when you knew I'd hang up…

“The Platform”
Kevin Max (formerly of dc talk)


The game... They say a person either has what it takes to play, or they don’t. My mother was one of the greats. Me on the other hand, i'm kinda… screwed.

O.k... Cut! That was not from me. That was the opening narration of the very first episode of Grey’s Anatomy when the five new doctors joined the tough arena of surgical internship program at Seattle Grace Hospital. And that’s exactly what I want to write about. No... not Grey’s Anatomy. The game…

When we hear of “game”, we think about its negative interpretations. Love is not a game that two people play. Life is not like joining a game that you’d quit on if you get tired. But a game can also have its positive interpretations. Think about NBA. Or the Euro Football League. Or the Olympic games. These are no ordinary games. Athletes of these kinds of game get into strict training, investing a lot of time, energy and money. (Well of course they get more money in return… and along with it, stardom.)

Our calling is also kind of a game that our Leader gets us into. And with that, he expects us to get into it seriously. To invest our time, effort, and well, money… But unlike athletes, our reward goes far more than just riches. We might not even get to see tangible rewards, except for the fact that we know our Master is pleased with our little sacrifices. But just like Meredith Grey, I kinda screwed it.

But my season in the wilderness is nearly over. Yeah, wilderness… whatever you want to call it. That’s kinda ironic. Because the last season was kinda great, actually. I worked hard. I got to get some of the things I wanted. I was free to do whatever I wanted to do. But there was no sense of fulfillment. Dry. Depressing. Dead. A cloud without water. Tree without fruit.

Funny thing is, God has his way of sneaking up on us. And when we realize that the world has really nothing much to offer, all we can do really is to heed the call and get back to the game. After all, time and time again, it’s been proven that the calling is irrevocable.

All I really want is to get right, so I wont get left. But each time I do that, the calling always just follows along. It’s like shadow that cannot be avoided each time a light shines on us. The only way to keep that shadow from following us is to stay in darkness. But we can only stay in the dark for so long. Sooner or later, we will long for the light. Like a moth to a flame, we too get attracted to the Light. And the other people out there who are still in the dark… well, many of them want to be in the light too. They just don’t know how…